Teeth

So, this girl, she lives next to a nuclear power plant and there is a young boy and girl, whose parents are getting married, playing in a pool. The little boy says, “If you show me yours, I’ll show you mine.” And the little boy puts his finger under the water and screams; he pulls it out and his finger is badly cut.
13 or so years later, the same girl is in high school, head of the Purity Club. She travels from elementary to elementary to talk to kids about waiting for marriage to have sex. Her brother has become a Goth/sex addict with vagina-phobia (just to clarify, he only likes anal sex) because of the incident as a kid.
Later, Purity Girl and the boy she likes go to a lake to spend some time alone together. The boy is a little less than satisfied with his sexual situation and tries to take advantage of Purity Girl. What he doesn’t know is that what goes in to Purity Girl’s vagina doesn’t come out. The set of shark-like teeth in Purity Girls vag bite off his entire Johnson and spits it out on a rock.
By now you should be wondering if this plot is a creation of my own twisted imagination but no, it is not. This is a real movie and is on the shelf at your local video store. Surprised? I was too. Back to the story!
After the cock-gobbling, Purity Girl does research about a mythical creature who has a similar condition. She discovers that the monster in her vagina can only be conquered by a great hero.
Through a series of sexual encounters, Purity Girl discovers that consent is the key to unlock the dick-eating vagina. She finds out that if she wants to have sex with the person, she can control the teeth and prevent them from harming men.
I’m forced to wonder what influenced the creators of this film to write such a terrible movie: are they making a statement about free speech? Or are they trying to discourage people from having frivolous unprotected sex? Or are they just incredibly stupid?
Terrible movie.

Watchmen

Having never read the novel, I wasn’t sure what to expect when I went to see Watchmen. From the commercials, I was certain I’d see a sizeable portion of graphic violence, which was enough to coerce me into going. I was not, however, expecting to see so much of Dr. Manhattan’s radiating package. But hey, it’s my own fault.
Giant blue penis aside, Watchmen was easily one of the most visually stunning films I’ve seen since the Planet Earth series and 300 (which was directed by the same man).
The film is set in an alternate American history: the year is 1985; Nixon is still president and the United States easily won the Vietnam War (with the help of the superhuman Dr. Manhattan). Masked super heroes are commonplace in our society (although none but Manhattan have any real super powers).
Plot wise, this film is difficult to explain. There is a lot going on throughout the movie and quite honestly, I was only really interested in Manhattan because he was easily the coolest character in the film (I’ve never been so inspired by watching a giant blue man with a giant blue penis as he vaporized little Vietnamese Commies).
Even so, the story beings by setting the stage for the events to come: Rorschach, a masked vigilante who has remained active even after the outlawing of supers, is investigating the murder of a colleague. He believes the murder is the first in a series of events being executed to eradicate the heroes.
Meanwhile, Dr. Manhattan, born from a science project gone wrong, is trying to create a solution to the world’s energy problems using his superhuman powers (he is also getting handsie with Silk Spectre II, at the same time because he can split himself if he needs to). Silk Spectre is hurt by Manhattan’s unconceren for the state of the human world; she throws a fit and leaves to stay with Nite Owl II.
Really I was confused by a lot of things in the movie. While well made, I couldn’t help but wonder why Manhattan wasn’t able to see the murder, Silk Spectre leaving, the plot by Ozymandious or several other things. For being all powerful, he was very weak.

A Fish Called Wanda

Released in 1988, A Fish Called Wanda is the English-American comedy film of a jewelry heist in London.
Wanda Gershwitz (Jamie Lee Curtis) is an American thief who is working with her English lover George Thomason (Tom Georgeson) to rob £13 million ($20 million) in jewels. Assisting them are Wanda’s secret lover and pretend brother, Otto West (Kevin Kline), and George’s friend Ken Pile (Michael Palin). The four plan to rob the jeweler, wait a few days, and then leave England for the carribean.
The robbery is a success and the four involved hide the jewels and plan to meet at the airport in a week. Wanda and Otto, however, had planned to turn George in and so alert the police. George is arrested for the robbery but when the two return to where they believe the jewels are hidden, they find that George has moved them.
In an attempt to discover where the jewels are, Wanda beings to seduce George’s barrister, Archie Leach (John Cleese). She attempts to use him to garner information on George’s trial as Archie is the first person whom George would divulge the location of the jewels.
As the story develops, Archie begins to fall in love with Wanda while she continues to work towards her own end. However, Otto discovers the location of the jewels before his ‘sister’ does. So rather than testifying for George to get him off, Wanda provides evidence that he was the sole person involved in the robbery.
Genuinely funny writing and a well-written plot hold the film together. The portrayal of the characters is also brilliant. Kline’s outrageous performance as Otto is easily one of the funniest I’ve seen (I don’t know whether he actually ate live fish, but its completely convincing).
The comical mixture of the film combines stupidity with romance and creates an interesting blend of scenes that are always funny and never dull. It’s difficult to find a scene void of humor in some shape or form.

I Hate Twilight

There are places I go where I expect to hear certain things: I go to the doctor to get medical advice; I go to a concert to hear music; I go home to hear about how I’m going to flip burgers if I don’t get my grades up. School has always been a place where I don’t expect to hear anything in particular; where conversation is delightfully random.
Until Twilight.
Dark were the days when all I heard around me was “Oh my God, I LOVE Edward!!!” Everywhere I turned, it seemed, girls were crooning about how beautiful Edward Cullen was and how he was so sweet, so strong, so…wonderful (said with a glossy-eyed stare into space).
I tolerated these outbreaks of affection for the fictional hero. And of course by ‘tolerated’ I mean I took every honest opportunity I got to destroy his reputation and destabilize his regime as ‘pop-icon’. The fighting reached a fever pitch when the movie was released, the veritable ‘A-bomb’ of the Twilight arsenal. After that calamity, I lost hope. “How,” I pleaded, “how could anyone let that book become a movie?”
In an attempt to make peace, I begrudgingly tried to read the first book; I didn’t make it far. But it did open my eyes to several things: firstly, it made me wonder a lot about the way popular media preys on their target audience. I mean no disrespect when I say this, but to a large degree this book seems to be capitalizing on the emotions of ‘tweenage’ girls. Which is obviously what you’d want to do if you were writing a book and you wanted it to sell.
However it’s fairly clear that that is ALL the author wanted to do. The story is so convoluted and full of drama that it becomes unbelievably unreal (even unreal-er than it was originally) that it hardly even passes as a fairy tale. I liked that the author took a new and unique angle on vampires. In doing so, however, she turned a frightening Transylvanian myth into the hot hunky dream-vampire…manthing…of a generation.
I did everything I could to win the war, but fighting Twilight supporters is like fighting the Chinese: there are just too many of them and they’re all willing to sacrifice themselves in the name of their ideals. I fear that the continued dominance of Edward and his band of vampire friends will only lead to another, more devastating conflict between realism and far-far-far-far-fetched tales.

Galaxy Quest

I used to come home from school every day and turn to channel 59 (Spike) to watch Star Trek: Next Generation. I don’t know what it was about the show that made me love it so much (probably Jean-Luc Picard’s keen intellect and his cool collective nature in the face of danger) but the fact is that the show was great and always a favorite of mine. I never dreamed imagined there would be a parody of such an epic show.
Galaxy Quest came out in 1999. It is the tale of a retired troupe of actors who make a living off of appearing at fan-conventions for their long dead show, Galaxy Quest. The crew commander, Jason Nesmith (Tim Allen) enjoys a large fan base, while the rest of the crew walks in his shadow. All of his co-stars are bitter towards him for his enthusiasm at being a worshiped has-been.
At the convention, Jason is approached by an odd group of people claiming to be aliens called Thermians. They ask for the help of Commander Tagert (Jason Nesmith) who they believe is an actual space-commander.
Nesmith goes home and drinks himself to sleep where he is awoken by the Thermians who have come to take him to their ship. Believing that it is just another convention, he goes with them to their ship where he discovers that the Thermians had watched his show and duplicated it, thinking the show was a historical document.
Nesmith returns to earth after having attacked the Thermian’s enemy, Seris, and attempts to convince the rest of his crew that what he experienced was real. At the request of the Thermians, Tagert and his crew travel to the ship to fight the evil Seris.
For someone who watches Star Trek, this film is incredibly funny. It takes every aspect of the show and adds a satirical twist to it. On it’s own, the story is very well written. But as a satire, the film becomes a great parody of an American classic.

Napoleon Dynamite

The story of the outcast-nerd trying to find themselves in the world of high school is a common one that has been told many different times. Each story begins with the loveable nerd whom their peers hate and who seems to be completely alone. The audience is made to feel sorry for this nerd; to have empathy with their struggle. This feeling of pity is what makes the story worth telling.
But Napoleon Dynamite is not that story. John Hader stars as the geeky outsider Napoleon, the friendless daydreaming dweeb of his high school in Idaho. He lives with his 32 year-old-brother Kip and his grandmother. Kip, who is similarly loser-ish, is unemployed and spends most of his days in online chat-rooms looking for love (which is significant later).
While visiting friends in the middle of the desert, Napoleon’s grandmother injures herself and is unable to return home to care for her two grandsons. So she enlists the help of their uncle, Rico, to watch over Kip and Napoleon while she recovers. Uncle Rico is a former star quarterback who has lived in the year 1982 since his team won the state championship.
The movie is full of awkward acting, bad jokes and situations that try too hard to be funny. Absent from the movie is a plot, good writing, and any character development.
Very little happens to indicate a plot: sure, Pedro (Napoleon’s friend) does try to run for class president and yes, he does meet a girl, but neither of those quests is fully finished until the very end of the film. To me, it seemed like the film was made up of a hodge-podge of random events in Napoleon’s life, which are loosely strung together by the theme of him being a complete loser.
The one good part of this movie is the performance of John Hader as Napoleon. In the traditional sense of an outsider movie, there is no quality about Hader’s Napoleon that is loveable. He’s just an asshole the whole movie. A wimpy asshole, maybe, but if he had been a pitiable loser who tries but fails to be accepted, the film would have been even worse.

This Is Spinal Tap

This Is Spinal Tap is the ‘rock-umentary’ about the semi-fictitious hard-rock band, Spinal Tap. Directed by Rob Reiner (who also directed Princess Bride), the film stars David St. Hubbins (Michael McKean), Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest), and Derek Smalls (Harry Shearer).
The film is supposed to be based on Tap’s tour in America to promote their latest album, Smell The Glove. The band is infamous for their loud, obnoxious sound and their less than politically correct lyrics (with songs like “Working On A Sex Farm” and “Big Bottom”).
Tap beings their tour across America by first visiting their producers who have refused to produce the album because the cover is sexually degrading to women. The band manager, Ian Faith (Tony Hendra), attempts to influence the record company while he tries to keep the band in line.
As the band tours America, the audience is given a chance to learn more about its members and history. The film is set up in a way that shows a series of events concerning their American tour while simultaneously adding small interviews with different members of the band and, sometimes, the entire group.
As it turns out, the band has a primarily male audience (who would be surprise by that when you listen to their songs) and so their shows have become smaller. They experience cancellations in several cities as well.
While trying to put on a ‘Stonehenge/ druidian’ themed show, the band manager fails to come through with a piece of stagecraft, which he argues was the fault of one of the band members. This leads to discord between the band and Ian and so he leaves the group to be replaced by David’s girlfriend, Jeanine.
Once Jeanine takes over however, the band’s encounter even more cancellations and find themselves opening for puppet shows at the local fair and for military parties. It’s at this point that Nigel, who already had a rocky relationship with Jeanine leaves the band.
As sad as the plot sounds, the movie as actually hugely funny. It is said that the vast majority of this film was ad-libbed which makes the dialogue even funnier. The acting in the film is weirdly real for being a complete spoof of a rock band. What I mean is that they portray a totally convincing group of idiots.